Dear Body...

Dear Body,
I was so proud of you, and me, yesterday. 249.6lbs. The lowest since...highschool! I rejoiced! I sang! I danced! I told everyone on twitter! I shouldn't have. We're back over the 250 mark again today, body. I am so disappointed in us.
Let me list my weight since the 27th of October:
27th: 252.2
28th: 250.6
29th: 250.3
30th: 250.4
31st: 250.2
1st: 250.9
2nd: 250.4
3rd: 250.1
4th: 250.7
5th: 249.6
6th: 250.7

Thanks body, thanks.

Sincerely, green_eyes   </3

Dear World...

Dear World,
I've begun writing a lengthy entry about how I'm fat and have been fat for ages. But let me summarize some of it: I'm fat. I've been fat for ages. I've tried everything and all things with little or no success. So, like all good little, friendly little, dieters/fatties, I've started a new diet. OH WHAT A SURPRISE. They have me weighing myself everyday. So I am, and do you know what, dear world? I've lost 7.8 pounds on this fucker! But for the past 6 days or so...nothing. If anything, I've GAINED weight. So here's a story, through k-pop gifs, of my morning:

My expression this morning when stepping onto the scale.

A moment later, upon closer investigation of said scale, this.

Realizing it’s my fault, yet again: Combination this and this.

Doing fine outside, on the inside, however, combination this and this.

I've been listening to Rain's "Love Story" on repeat, ALL DAY today, which is not good, because now, dear world, I'm depressed as fuck. Mostly because it's such a sad, melancholy song (and I'm forever alone). But also because he's hot as hell and dances like...hnnnnnng.... (And that final "Saranghae..." just KILLS me every time.)

It's just...you see world, I'm just so fed up. "Sick and tired of being sick and tired." And, like I've said, I've tried. Tried everything and failed. And now this "miracle" I'm working on seems to be failing as well. It makes me want to cry. No, it doesn't make me want to cry, it does make me cry. Cry and cry because, what it boils down to, world, is that I feel unworthy of absolutely everything because I'm fat. That's why I've yet to do anything with my life. That's why I'm living at home, with my parents. That's why I picked the safe route in school and studied essay-course material so I wouldn't need to overreach my social profile.

That's why I have never, and never will TRY. That's why my only form of social interaction is to put myself down in a sarcastic way. I'm just...not worth anything.

And I can't even write anymore. I used to write poems, world. I can't anymore. I just can't.

Dear world;

Did you know that the only reason I'm not dead is because I'm a coward?

Did you know that the only reason I'm not Bulimic is because I can't force myself to throw up? I've had migraines since grade 2, so I've mastered I stopping myself from throwing up, so now I can't even if I try. And I've tried. And, again, failed.

I'm just so fed up with everything right now.

Sorry for ranting, world. But you know me, I don't ask people for help or let people see my emotions. You're all I've got.

Sincerely, green_eyes   <3

Dear Internet...

Dear Internet,
Sometimes, most times, I love you. You make my life worth living, you give me joy and knowledge and make me smile. Most times. Right now is not one of those times. Right now, I'm crying. And I feel like both eating chocolate and throwing up.
Why did I have to find this site?

Why can I never, EVER, be skinny enough to be happy?
Sometimes, internet, you make me hate myself, more so than usual.


Sincerely, green_eyes

Dear "The Vineyard Man"...

Dear "The Vineyard Man,"
I thought I wasn't going to like you. Mostly because the subtitles were some obnoxious bright teal colour. Also because I was used to seeing Yoon Eun Hye play a tomboy/ pretend to be a boy in "The 1st Shop Coffee Prince" (another AMAZING  drama), so seeing her play a girly-girl who is WAY too obsessed with fashion and finding a rich husband sort of threw me off. But, as is most always the case with K-dramas and myself, this one grew on me. By episode 2, I was hooked. I just watched the final episode again, for the second time. Both Lee Ji Hyun (played by Yoon Eun Hye) and Jang Taek Gi (played by Oh Man Suk) went through SO MUCH and everything went SO WRONG for them all the time, and then (as per all romantic-comedy k-dramas) everything goes SO RIGHT at the end. And I watch that final episode with the biggest, goofiest, stupidest grin on my face because they are so happy so I am so happy!
But then it's over, and I realize how pathetic my life is....so now I'm feeling...really really depressed.
So, Korea, and "The Vineyard Man," I've asked it before, and I'll ask it again: Why can't I live in your K-drama land?


Sincerely, a severely heartbroken green_eyes   <3