I've begun writing a lengthy entry about how I'm fat and have been fat for ages. But let me summarize some of it: I'm fat. I've been fat for ages. I've tried everything and all things with little or no success. So, like all good little, friendly little, dieters/fatties, I've started a new diet. OH WHAT A SURPRISE. They have me weighing myself everyday. So I am, and do you know what, dear world? I've lost 7.8 pounds on this fucker! But for the past 6 days or so...nothing. If anything, I've GAINED weight. So here's a story, through k-pop gifs, of my morning:
My expression this morning when stepping onto the scale.
A moment later, upon closer investigation of said scale, this.
I've been listening to Rain's "Love Story" on repeat, ALL DAY today, which is not good, because now, dear world, I'm depressed as fuck. Mostly because it's such a sad, melancholy song (and I'm forever alone). But also because he's hot as hell and dances like...hnnnnnng.... (And that final "Saranghae..." just KILLS me every time.)
It's just...you see world, I'm just so fed up. "Sick and tired of being sick and tired." And, like I've said, I've tried. Tried everything and failed. And now this "miracle" I'm working on seems to be failing as well. It makes me want to cry. No, it doesn't make me want to cry, it does make me cry. Cry and cry because, what it boils down to, world, is that I feel unworthy of absolutely everything because I'm fat. That's why I've yet to do anything with my life. That's why I'm living at home, with my parents. That's why I picked the safe route in school and studied essay-course material so I wouldn't need to overreach my social profile.
That's why I have never, and never will TRY. That's why my only form of social interaction is to put myself down in a sarcastic way. I'm just...not worth anything.
And I can't even write anymore. I used to write poems, world. I can't anymore. I just can't.
Dear world;
Did you know that the only reason I'm not dead is because I'm a coward?
Did you know that the only reason I'm not Bulimic is because I can't force myself to throw up? I've had migraines since grade 2, so I've mastered I stopping myself from throwing up, so now I can't even if I try. And I've tried. And, again, failed.
I'm just so fed up with everything right now.
Sorry for ranting, world. But you know me, I don't ask people for help or let people see my emotions. You're all I've got.
Sincerely, green_eyes <3
